// Two A-Holes Go To A Movie… in LA//

At The Movies: With Shit For Brains

It’s become increasingly more and more clear that viewing any form of pop culture infested cinema in LA is more challenging than legally killing these 17 year old zit faced, Mountain Dew guzzling fuck sticks who use terms like “epic fail” to describe their favorite snowboarder’s run.
After the ever growing increasing prices of the box office tickets for you and a lovely young lady, Large drink, Popcorn and maybe a box of Skittles if you’re feeling frisky, you’re lucky to have enough money left to pay for the last minute condoms at 1am because she simply “Doesn’t believe in the raw dog”.
It’s ok though…she has a thing for over rated teenie vampire flicks with no plot, and hunky lead roles who wear eyeliner.Who are you to deprive? After dealing with all this, one would expect a little R&R for the next 2 hours with a possible tug job under the $80.00 basket of popcorn….but NO!!!!
You now have a much bigger problem…THE FUCKING AUDIENCE!

To my left, I’ve got Jorge and his grand posse of juvinel deliquents who are shouting ” AHH, shit fool, that fools crazy homes! “. To my right, I’ve got Texty Mc Textstein who has an LCD screen on her phone that rivals the backdrop of any KISS or Britany Spears concert who seems to be writing her life’s story (or a love letter to her baby’s daddy in prison) judging by the stretch marks her tank top that is “epic failing” to cover up.

Behind my row of evolved sperm that would have been better suited for the back of a Varsity jacket in ‘86 sits the older couple that look as though they haven’t screwed since Bob Barker was on The Price Is Right getting on camera erections around models.
“This is good, they probably don’t even own a cell and I highly doubt they’ll be discussing new gang initiations in a public theater, they’re on our team”, I whisper ever so lightly to my date who seems more fixated on underage sweaty vampires than actually putting a stop to the madness that surrounds us.

Wait…I digress. These dinosaur fossils behind us have (what sounds like) enough bags of food to feed Octomom’s troop of future heroin users. Now I gotta hear snap crackle popping behind my head the rest of the shitty movie I just payed $900.00 to see…and for what?!! Some ass??!! No ass is worth watching movies in a public theater unless it’s a new Star Wars film that George Lucas doesn’t rape by over using cheesy effects. Not in this lifetime. You know what, I’ll just make it a Blockbuster night. Maybe that way, I can get some ass while a shitty,trendy teen vampire flick plays in the back round. All while maintaining healthy blood pressure, enough money to still pay my rent and still having some faith in humanity. Ignorance truly is, bliss.

- Michael Thomas